I'm no poet, but I heard some marvelous slam tonight. I applaud their powerful delivery of even more powerful words.
But how I wish I didn't have to sleep, because I like to believe I could use that time to my advantage and get more done...but I figure all the greats of the world had just as much time as I have been given, and they needed no excuse.
Sometimes I don't sleep anyways, like last night, and I do alright. But then I'm turning right back around on the drive and I feel the pull of my muscles, my entire body ache, and I have to set the cruise control on as soon as every other driver decides to not be an asshole.
I don't do well without sleep.
And I don't do much better with sleep. What do I have to show for it?
<3<3<3
Friends. Friendship. Friends, they support you, they respect you. They look out for you. They have your back. They are defensive of you, if you've found the right brand. They notice when you're mistreated and take offense for you, and defense of you. They believe your soul is too good to be disrespected in such a way. They tell you the claimed disrespector isn't worth your time. Isn't worth your kindness.
That people don't deserve to indulge and take part of your "good deeds."
I have a problem. Dear friends, I can be a vindictive bitch. Throughout my near two decades of life now, I seem to have convinced myself I am self-righteous, that I understand life and people, and that I know what lessons people need to learn. I convinced myself that I could teach them said lessons.
No, friends, this isn't me trying to pathetically "fix" fragile little boys.
When a family member said something displeasing to another, I wanted to set them straight. I didn't care if they liked me. I wanted to make them realize what they'd done, so they would change it. I would dare to be cruel if necessary.
It all started off as me defensive of my cherished ones, those friends and family. Even if it meant stepping on the boundary of another relationship.
But you know, I've changed my major from education. I don't want to be a teacher anymore. I'm not meant to be a teacher. And I'm trying to train myself to stop making lesson plans for other lives and morals. I know Karma, she's a good friend of mine, and let me tell you, she's a real responsible employee. She does her job. She doesn't need my assistance; it's not my place.
But I've been told in the past, when someone does me wrong, and I show them kindness anyways (which may, even then, be rejected by said wrong-doer), that I'm crazy for doing so. That I'm silly. [No one's told me this within the last few days or anything, by the way. This scenario went down in my head.] That I shouldn't be doing favors for anyone who's unappreciative of me, maybe even destructive to me.
It's not even just the stereotypical "they don't deserve you." It's more like "they aren't worthwhile of your generosity whatsoever." But haven't all these wars been for rights? For equality? We all deserve the same treatment. The same punishments for the same crimes too, I suppose.
I think I'm tired of being this vindictive person who treats different acquaintances differently. Maybe we should just start dishing out equal treatments like we keep saying we're going to, instead of this.
If someone needs a hug, a thoughtful remark, give it to them. Because when it comes to this (people make mistakes; someone can steal an item as a teenager and I just don't believe that should stop them from bettering themselves with equal job opportunity a few years down the line), it's no longer about what they deserve, but about you as a person.
Don't make yourself a lesser person because someone "doesn't deserve" your kindness. Loan yourselves out, little whores. Be stable. Equal treatment.
I make no sense.
I will repeat: did not sleep (almost literally) last night.
<3<3<3
Relief.
I spoke of people needing to take a piss, to chill out. So they could experience that feeling.
I stand by it.
It's an awesome thing, relief.
Relief is when your test comes back from the doctor and the results are normal.
Relief is when a mother hugs her son when he walks home after his office building collapses.
Relief is when a teenage girl sees blood drip from her legs after a risque glove-free night.
And sometimes we need relief because of other people, because of the biggest lie of humankind: I'm fine. Investigate and you shall receive: relief.
Relief is that whoooossshhh sound. The release of the breath of air you were holding in. The piss you were holding in. The worry. All the bad shit you were holding in, relief is when you set it free like a caged bird. I used that shitty simile because of a poem I heard tonight, not because I'm that terrible.
There is nothing better than letting go of something. Whenever anything stays long enough, it becomes uncomfortable, and we're relieved to have the weight lifted.
My name is Karen and I am a worry-wart.
My favorite feeling in this world is relief. Because sometimes it's too much to ask to simply be happy.
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