What a man thinks of himself, that it is which determines, or rather indicates, his fate.

It's time for the final before the final in my toughest teacher's class...so naturally I've got psychology on the brain. We've been discussing the existential/humanist theorists, one of which is Rollo May. I've not only decided that he's got name dibs on my next pet of choice, but that we're probably soul sisters; he died three years after I was born, so I couldn't be him reincarnated. But he says some things that really hit home for me--which is why a lot of people like him, actually.

Although he's warming up to it, a problem Dr. B has with my homeboy Rollo is his internal consistency--specifically how May believes in both fate and freedom of choice, a big no-no for picky scientists. Yet this makes perfect sense to me. Destiny is essentially our predispositions, be it literal genetics (for everything: intelligence, disease, etc.) or the experiences of our early childhood. In a way, especially focusing on the latter, I guess you could say other people have a lot of say in our destiny~people are our destiny. But see, because destiny exists doesn't mean we don't exactly have free will--they are inexorably intertwined. Within the boundaries our "destiny" sets for us, we have the power to choose, a power that allows us to confront and thus challenge our destiny.

"You have the freedom to change your destiny, but you must first recognize your biological, social, and psychological limitations, and then possess the courage to make choices within those limitations."

I look forward to treating myself to some of his writings come Christmas time, and I think that's enough direct explanation for now anyways. To sum the above up: Rollo May's boss because he believes fate and free will coexist, like Yours Truly. It's like I always repeat myself: there's never one precisely correct answer. It's always a mix, and this is no exception.

I guess I bring it up because I've been thinking a lot about all this life stuff lately (as if that's anything new). I know that I'm ready to continue, move on, out of this stagnant hole I seem to have fallen in, but can't quite figure out which direction or motivate myself to go anyways. So I've just been sitting around trying to figure out what my next move needs to be and what lessons life is trying to make me learn so I can do so.

It's kind of like I keep playing Oregon Trail: American Settler, with no strategy--fill up to say four energy, and then waste it trying to do the few need to do to get by things. Like I keep doing the stupid things that won't get me anywhere and waste all my energy instead of letting it build up, looking ahead, and planning what I can do with that. Waiting and watching for knowledge. It's all a waste of time.

Really that was just a terrible analogy-to-be-ignored I was trying to make as I played Oregon Trail: American Settler simultaneously. My apologies.

So have I even picked up on anything while I've been wasting all this time, any lessons at all that will allow me to move forward in my life? Sure... Never stop reading. You can't will yourself into wisdom. Medicines should be taken as prescribed and much joy can be had. Sometimes motivation can't be found and you have to use your reserve power to struggle on through anyways. You can put things in your wish list instead of immediately buying off of Amazon all the time. It's important to be in sync with your environment, fellow people, and yourself. Literally no one asked to be born, we're all just trying to make it like anyone else in the world. People deserve to be loved for who they are without expecting anything in return. Although "friends" who only seem to show up when you're convenient for them can be cut off, and should be before you waste your limited energy on them. That wise, self-actualized people get angry too, and show it. There are some guys who aren't total losers I can spend time around and I just need to save up my energy for when the good opportunities show up and quit jumping 'n whoring out every time I get +2. And I need to stop randomly deciding to play iPhone games 24/7 for two weeks straight at a time. Oh, and pizza's a vegetable.

Alright, so maybe I haven't learned that much in this stagnant time, but I know I'd be willing as all hell to learn anything that would get me out of this loop.

I've also learned to pick my fights with myself--I always knew to choose battles carefully with others (and that some NEED to be had), but I can be cordial with my own self too. And people still fascinate me more than ever, but standing on top of the Cliff of Alone Time and looking down at all the sour relationships, it scares me to want to start any, though I need new ones more than ever.

I still don't know where to go with this, though I think I know my limitations. I guess my problem is recognizing my potentiality and "challenging" my destiny from there, eh?

Je voudrais...

It doesn't take a lifetime to realize that it's quite difficult to figure out what people want from you.

Sometimes it's merely a matter of whether or not a person would like you to say hello or pass by and avoid all conversation. Other times it's more specific, like trying to fish out of your significant other what exactly it is they'd like you to do. Does the baby want a bottle or attention?

At least the baby has an excuse--(s)he hasn't quite learned communication skills yet, and this is precisely what they're meant to be used for! So why don't we use them? Why can't we just tell one another what we'd like them to do, so we at least have the opportunity to be that much happier? Granted, there are exceptions, but we don't bother to do this even on the molecular level, all the time.

We can't all be Sherlock, not Nancy Drew. We can't leave the guesswork up to everyone. We're responsible for voicing ourselves--and with that responsibility sometimes comes the acceptance of being wrong or told no.

But that really isn't at all what I wanted to talk about. You see, yes, communication is a large barrier, it seems, and yes, it's obviously difficult figuring out what exactly people want from us (after all, sometimes they even lie and still expect you to guess).

The worst part is when you can't figure out what you want from yourself, or even when you do know yet are incapable of doing so.

I don't know what I want, or typically even what's good for me--I'm by no means omniscient.

So what do you do when you don't want anything? Or...at least, nothing you can get.

You can take a look at this blog, for starters. There is no theme except my blubbering stream of consciousness, there's nothing that ties this together, nor does it have anything to rope in a crowd, it has nothing for you--yet it's live, it's online, it's public, for everyone to see, with next to nothing to say.

Things sound good, but are usually disappointing, and they always end.

I'm beginning to think I shouldn't have gone back on this to add more, but then I told myself it was self-therapeutic and not like anyone reads it anymore anyways, yes? I just felt bad because that line sounds so depressing--and while I qualify as clinically depressed, I equate depression with sadness, and I'm not sad. I'm merely uninterested, unmotivated, and unfocused: all symptoms of, yes, depression, but not sadness.

And really, that all comes back to what I've already said here anyways, yes?

I just need to figure out what my self wants so I can be motivated.

In the meantime, I could use a distraction. So. What do you want from me?