Je voudrais...

It doesn't take a lifetime to realize that it's quite difficult to figure out what people want from you.

Sometimes it's merely a matter of whether or not a person would like you to say hello or pass by and avoid all conversation. Other times it's more specific, like trying to fish out of your significant other what exactly it is they'd like you to do. Does the baby want a bottle or attention?

At least the baby has an excuse--(s)he hasn't quite learned communication skills yet, and this is precisely what they're meant to be used for! So why don't we use them? Why can't we just tell one another what we'd like them to do, so we at least have the opportunity to be that much happier? Granted, there are exceptions, but we don't bother to do this even on the molecular level, all the time.

We can't all be Sherlock, not Nancy Drew. We can't leave the guesswork up to everyone. We're responsible for voicing ourselves--and with that responsibility sometimes comes the acceptance of being wrong or told no.

But that really isn't at all what I wanted to talk about. You see, yes, communication is a large barrier, it seems, and yes, it's obviously difficult figuring out what exactly people want from us (after all, sometimes they even lie and still expect you to guess).

The worst part is when you can't figure out what you want from yourself, or even when you do know yet are incapable of doing so.

I don't know what I want, or typically even what's good for me--I'm by no means omniscient.

So what do you do when you don't want anything? Or...at least, nothing you can get.

You can take a look at this blog, for starters. There is no theme except my blubbering stream of consciousness, there's nothing that ties this together, nor does it have anything to rope in a crowd, it has nothing for you--yet it's live, it's online, it's public, for everyone to see, with next to nothing to say.

Things sound good, but are usually disappointing, and they always end.

I'm beginning to think I shouldn't have gone back on this to add more, but then I told myself it was self-therapeutic and not like anyone reads it anymore anyways, yes? I just felt bad because that line sounds so depressing--and while I qualify as clinically depressed, I equate depression with sadness, and I'm not sad. I'm merely uninterested, unmotivated, and unfocused: all symptoms of, yes, depression, but not sadness.

And really, that all comes back to what I've already said here anyways, yes?

I just need to figure out what my self wants so I can be motivated.

In the meantime, I could use a distraction. So. What do you want from me?