I feel like I've been beaten up with a baseball bat. And when I stand or bend, I'm stiff as a ninety year old, when I'm only nineteen years old. I'm tired. Most days aren't this bad, but it comes and goes. I tell you, if it's not one thing, it's another.
I can't remember the last time my stomach hurt other than a day of cramps or something, you know, for lady reasons. But now it's everywhere else. And I'm exhausted.
Fibromyalgia, that's my new hypochondriac diagnosis. Except this one seems a bit more legit, other than the fact that (my actually official diagnosis of) Crohn's lends you sore muscles/joints and what not anyways. Breast cancer, vaginismus, rashes, lumps--I can't name all the things I've been paranoid of having.
And that's a good word for me. Paranoid.
I always say I have great intuition. I'm a Cancer.
But really, I think I just have a great sense of paranoia about me. Paranoid about diseases. Paranoid about my future. Paranoid that someone's talking about me. Paranoid I've made someone upset.
Not any kind of insane, delusional paranoia. A very aware one, where I laugh it off and am capable of saying I'm silly. But a paranoia all the same.
Ha. Paranoid about my future.
You know what happened to me today? My French professor told me to rewrite my composition because she couldn't grade it, because she couldn't read it, and I don't mean the handwriting. I'm supposed to be going to language immersion in a few weeks, and my teacher couldn't comprehend what I was trying to say. I'm not going to get credit for the class I need and will have to take it anyways, ruining my schedule. I'm scraping by in one of my major classes probably thanks to group work. The other one, I'm not even sure if I'm scraping by. I'd say it's half my fault for forgetting things for it all the time. The rest is his, but I don't want to rant about this again.
Some of my friends wonder why I don't talk about this stuff. I don't know. But I do-do this. Whenever I find the time. Or make the time anyways. On quiet nights like these.
Actually I take it back. Only one ever tells me to, and I guess it's because it's something she's used to doing. I guess we just respond to life a little differently.
It's hard to focus when you're so drained and sickly all the time. And I feel bad for complaining when my stomach's not quite eating itself up at the rate it used to, like I shouldn't, but then again this is my blog, so I don't feel so bad. I just look at people with envy, though. Like: how are they doing that? How do they have the energy for this? There's not enough time in the day for me to sleep and accomplish everything they do. And I just can't focus anymore.
It makes me wonder what ever happened to me. I was a smart kid with potential. I was cute and funny, but with willpower, focus, goals, success, a loud mouth. Sometimes I guess I still have a loud mouth if I'm really passionate about something (as was with the whole...women's rights, fiasco), but me and passion, we don't exactly go hand in hand. I used to sketch and make up stories, sing lyrics off the top of my head, build huts, call boys, play piano, paint, make crafts, read. Why did all of those days seem to have so much more time? And why can't I just pause time? Even if I was only allowed to sleep and not get any work or fun done during said pausing. If I could just freeze time...that would totally be my super power. It already looks like my body age needs to catch up anyways, as if that's what I've been doing this entire time.
I realize something. I have a habit of trying to help people who don't really need nor want my help. I also sometimes avoid helping people who actually ask for it. I should really pay more attention to those who actually appreciate me. But I have a hard time after I've exhausted myself by repetitively throwing my aid out to those who won't take it.
I'd like to make something of myself, but I don't know where to start. Because I don't even know what I want, anymore.
Besides. The things people think they want generally don't actually end up making them happy in the end, like fame, fortune, beauty, power...really just savoring the everyday things, spending time with family and friends (and making them...the latter...or babies too...), smiling even if you don't feel like it, altruistic behaviors...those work.
Too bad I'm just too tired for all that balancing.
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