Lost & Found

I lose things a lot.

For instance, my ID card. My keys. My sanity.

Important things, like my car insurance & sentimental jewelry.

Sometimes I lose hope.

But I usually find things, I guess with a little ole help from St. Anthony. I'm pretty sure he just needs to adopt me. Trade places with my shadow.

I was writing a blog during health class a week ago, after a deep talk with a friend (she will be utterly disappointed to know she could have added another blog about her), and I had some good thoughts (I tend to lose those too before I can find a keyboard). They were dismissed by impeccable pictures of charmingly tasty STD's; you know, those slides they show in class, on TV. It was exactly like that.

Not only did I lose my train of thought then, but apparently I lost that word document, which I assure you could have potentially been more entertaining than this one.

Who am I kidding?

But I lost that one too.

Thing is, I usually find things; this time auto-save didn't have my back. Stupid Mac's.

I lose money a lot, because I'm too nice.

But I figure I deserve it, because I'm not really that nice of a person, contrary to popular belief. Then again, maybe this is just my self-deprication kicking in. I do believe I left my Lexapro in the dorm, after all.

My mom, she loses things too, and she usually blames me. Maybe two out of a hundred times it is, but hey, that 98% of the time has to count for something. Let her in on that.

She finds stuff too, maybe less frequently than me. So maybe I should rephrase. I "misplace" things quite often.

But to the point, that I never seem to get to (indeed, I'm always beating, right 'round the bush, folks)...is that my mother found something pretty cool.

See, my brother, Chris, died when he was nineteen years old; I was four. I think people overlook that because of my age, but no matter how old you are, when exposed, we all must deal with death. But that's not the point (again). Every December 12th (for that was his birthday), my mom gives a "Chris present." I wasn't here then, but tonight I unwrapped Pan's Labyrinth. That isn't the cool part, though it is a pretty excepcional movie (get it?).

We reuse things around these parts: like Christmas bags. She was digging around, emptying out an old bag, and after all these years, she found a tag in his writing, addressed "To: My Karen, From: Chris." My cousin called it a hug from heaven.

It makes me think of something an old friend mentioned today. Something 'bout them Christian people. And how everyone thinks they have to believe in something, and that this friend does not. The belief is not to believe. Which makes no sense to me, however, but goes on to add that they always say "they know where they're going when they die."

I don't know if my brother knew where he was going.

I think he knew when though. I get the feeling we get the feeling before we go.

(Ha, I was once called an old soul. At times I feel wise, and at times I feel plain silly. Today I feel both, but 95% silly, and this blog's probably full of it.)

And I don't know where my brother is. My eyes managed to lose sight of him.

But I think that wherever he may be, heaven, black holes, skeletons six feet under, whatever your theory is: he is, and he's somewhere where he can see me. So he can say hi.

I'm not sure why he chose to say hi now.

I've said hi to him a few times; I'm that crazy girl in the Catholic cemetery with an ever-changing hair color. Hell, I'm that crazy girl in general.

I'm only sane enough to recognize the fact.

But we talk about how we've "lost" our relatives x-amount of years ago.

Anyways, I don't think we can lose people.

We can lose faith, cellphones, and Christmas tags, and we can even misplace people.

But they're never really gone.

<3<3<3

I usually post a video of sorts, and I've been slacking lately, but sometimes when things you read get you down, you should just let them. And if you still need a pickerupper go to your local booze joint.

I guess this ex-english-major will go get a tumblr so I won't keep losing the things I mean to say.

I'm a female, and I need to learn word economy.

I'm a "writer," and I need to learn how to use words.