My heart is pounding with coffee instead of some Valentine crush -- I didn't used to drink coffee. Actually, up until a few months ago, I couldn't take a sip of anything even 99% creamer if it had coffee in it without gagging. Kind of like when people try to convince me, "no, you'll love this beer." They're wrong every time with the coffee too, but I always fell for it. Or at least exaggerate my gagging just to prove my point is more like it. Anyways, the point is after a couple of years of college, you'll try anything to get you through it, and folks, we're just lucky it wasn't cocaine for me.

Not yet anyway.

I mean, I could go for some -- all this family, school, friend, thesis, did I mention family?, health, +other stress, hey, does anyone know where I can get some coke? (You know, it's funny, I was gonna go on this "diet" of fruit for a couple of weeks, since I eat so much junk, but here I am ravaging this cream-filled ding-dong in the spirit of love. I really must hate my body, truly.)

The real point is I've never had a Valentine that wasn't my parents, and while I'm not going to throw a consumer-hating party, I don't really mind. Life might be lonely for everyone at times, but settling and convenience are much worse junk food for your spirit. Ahh, look at all the lonely, unhappy people, shoulda stayed single.

It's fascinating, the dynamics of different relationships between different people. I was talking to one friend about others and another specifically, trying to figure out what exactly it was about that one's friendship that made it so much better than everyone else. We came to the conclusion it was my other friend's sheer genuineness that allowed us to have such a bullshit-free and open friendship. Genuine, a word assigned to me by various friends as well as personality tests, and now realizing this friend as well. In retrospect, it's obvious, looking back. She says what's on her mind, what she thinks, is kind, is aware of the world, cares about people, and has never, to my knowledge, felt the need to tell even little lies to me or manipulate me. We can sit in a radio-free car and never run out of things to talk about. And she just does things, man. Shave or bleach her natural black locks, she really doesn't give a damn, yet she gives so many at the same time. We're both kind of stuck in our own little worlds too, except we find common ground around one another. Yet everyone else, our other friends...there's always just something off about them.

And that, my friends, is why I've been on this dating hiatus and find myself balloon-less today. I just can't ever seem to meet any other genuine, honest, thoughtful, faithful people, ever. Try to throw a sense of humor on top of that and the game's totally over. Wouldn't life be somehow easier if we could all just tell one another what we're thinking? What we're really thinking, that is, without beating around any shrubbery. Perhaps our pride would get hurt a little often, but it would be made up for when things work out, because people oftentimes want more similar things from one another than they tend to realize. If only we could just open up.

I just hate seeing these people together who don't talk. Can they really be happy hiding their thoughts?

Maybe public boners aren't so bad.