I usually start these little babies with the first thought that comes to mind, spending a few lines until I finally find what I wanted to blog about to begin with.
I suppose today shall be no different.
I guess I'm not the greatest blogger--I never have one main point that I stick to, and even if I did, it wouldn't be something you cared about and I'd probably be too vague for you to follow, anyways. This is just a mess of all these incoherent thoughts of mine, so let's stop wasting time and continue as usual. Old dog, same trick, agreed?
Just to pause time a moment longer, this, once more, won't be a happy blog.
I am depressed.
Tech/Clinically.
I'm not crying as I write this, I'm not even sad, and I actually feel pretty damn stupid--the only thing saving me is the reminder that only 30 people have visited this page since November, and that's mostly because of some Google images search, I think.
I am exhausted and I've no motivation, and I gain no pleasure out of anything. My friend and I discussed tonight the differences between us in this matter, and yet I know that talking it out, taking medication, adding a cooking class to my schedule, none of these things will really improve the quality of my life. In fact, I'm handling this all just fine, I'm simply not going anywhere.
I realize that it is because of my situation. I eat lunch with my grandma every Sunday, and the last time she made the comment how I hadn't been able to enjoy college because there was always "something" going on. Right now I'm having some pretty serious family problems, and it's been this incredibly drawn out thing, and everyone's getting their feelings hurt and yadayadayada.
[Which is why, despite my unofficial hiatus from relationships the last two years, I appreciate "dating." You can't dump your family. You really can't even dump your friends. But when the going gets rough and you're 20 years old, there is no reason to try to force some situation that you don't need to work--so you can definitely dump some broad.]
When life gives you bad lemons, you can't really make lemonade out of them, no matter how much sugar you add. Sometimes you can't do anything about it. Sometimes you've just got say, "ow!" when the lemon strikes your fragile frame, grit your teeth and bear it. Maybe give that lemon the bird. Sometimes you've got to keep walking through this fucking hallway and be stoned by bad lemons.
The key, I guess, is hope--at least in Western society. We hope that eventually that fucking highway to lemon hell will end, or at least give us pleasantly ripe ones. There's no way out either, you've just gotta take it. You can sit down and hope it will stop raining lemons, or you can try to travel out in the storm, but you ain't got no hood, my friend, no umbrella's gonna help.
Have I talked enough about bad metaphors yet?
I've come to accept that right now, life or chance or whatever the hell you believe in feels like stoning me with bad lemons, and that's okay, they've gotta run out sometime, unless they're a high school math problem, in which case they've got ungodly amounts of fruit and vegetables that will shame the government's health plan.
My point is surely more Eastern, a little yin and yang, a little balance. Surely this will all come full circle, and for every bad action, there will be an equal an opposite good reaction--and if so, I've got a lot of good reactions heading my way soon. Like, maybe a lifetime's worth. (An apartment in Texas with a Volkswagen van and a siberian husky would be satisfactory.) It's funny because that's probably what I would've chosen on my own--getting the worst things over with first. If nothing else, for Christmas my roommate unknowingly bought me a tanuki couple statue, whose disproportionately large testicles I think somehow bring me good fortune.
So bring it on, lemonaider. I can take another semester of this, ole chap, I can do it if I need to. But seriously, can I have a break next year?
Like I said, this blog is entirely, altruistically for me. Hope you learn'd sometin'.
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