Welcome to college, she said.
It's the sophomore slump, he said.
Let me tell you a little about my day.
After a long Monday of classes, mentor meeting, and then (finally) some dinner in the caf, my body decided it wanted to repeatedly throw up and leave me laying in bed all evening listening to my neighbor's bass beats. This left many tasks to prepare for on Tuesday, on top of the radio show, normal homework, and still not feeling well. Ah, plus listening to a required poet's reading and Q&A session.
(WARNING: Skip next paragraph to avoid ranting.)
Today, I couldn't convince myself to get up early even when my body natural woke me up. I decided to skip French. I never skip class. She gave a quiz. I figured she would, but I figured that's almost better than being there when I didn't have time to study the material anyways. Then I fought with a printer for twenty minutes trying to print out my presentation notes after grabbing some delicious caf cereal. I tried studying for my stat's test, but I couldn't hear myself think over the third floor of McAlister. So I gave my presentation. Some people told me it went well, but people seemed pretty bored, so perhaps this is yet another example of people being too nice. Luckily, afterwards, I had a slightly smushed (but delicious) chocolate muffin to eat since I was skipping lunch; I had prepared by grabbing this with my cereal. I bombed the Stats test, though I tried to study, and he even switched the format to multiple choice. Then I came back to start this blog when I realized that I had to draw a map and write a reflection essay still for my New Tech project that's due at 3. Did I mention I forgot to finish my French homework last night? And that I assumed my stats teacher would move the homework that was due (he usually does before tests) and he didn't? I still have to hunt down a manilla folder, print off my health behavior project and stick that inside, and, oh, actually take the health test tonight that I've barely glanced at (me making more assumptions, more like prayers, that it'll be common sense). I'm hoping to maybe eat some food as well. But then tomorrow's just as busy: multiple meetings, a journal, a quia, maybe an aplia, and a creative writing reading. And I have to wake up at 5 AM to register. Hopefully my classes are still open. I've been too busy to check. That didn't work out either, so let's just not go there.
I know I'm making my next semester easier. Hallelujah, no more 18 hours! I didn't know how to spell hallelujah. I'm Catholic. Thank you, technology.
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Things I am happy about today. That chocolate muffin was scrumptious, my teacher wanted my sim to be his new profile pic, a friend let me borrow their calculator when I forgot mine, and because the cheesecake was on sale at Walmart the other day (because it's past its best by date, like me), I'm about to insert another heart break to enjoy a slice. Chocolate or classic?
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I had half of both because I couldn't decide, and I wanted to save some for later.
You know, my teacher said something about writing that essay in four thirty-minute sessions as opposed to one two hour sit through. I wonder if she'll realize I wrote it in under twenty minutes? One hour til doomsday.
I don't have anything interesting to talk to you about. My brain's a little fried. Actually I typed friend and then corrected myself; that's how fried it is.
Today during my "discussion," I mentioned how Etchy joked what if we are Sims?! and then, seriously: sims are code, algorithms. With each new series, the sims become more individualized, complex creatures, capable of many different things, mirroring us in every way.
So what if that's all we are? Really complex, unfathomable codes? With a randomizer.
Well, I'd say my code, my chemical balances of the brain, are a little screwed up. Which is why someone with a PhD gave me Lexapro samples. I've started week three. I'm not sure if they're helping, but I'm just imagining what things would be like if they are...I'd be half-dead by now, you know? I just need a vacation. I think schools should just run one intense class at a time, instead of multiple ones spread out. I want to go for a drive with a couple of good friends, not really knowing where, and have fun doing...something. But I don't have the gas money for that.
I just keep telling myself: two weeks from now and you'll be home for Thanksgiving (probably working on that twelve page paper and working at the movie theater on a full stomach). You're going to pass all your classes. Maybe not with flying colors. But in a month, you'll be taking finals. You'll be done with this terribly busy semester. You'll have a lighter load. You'll get to hang out with your friends more, and make new ones because of new classes.
But we can't always keep looking towards the future, can we? I mean, being hopeful and ambitious towards something, that's great. But when do we live in the now if we get through our days just by telling ourselves repetitively, it'll be over soon?
A sim is happy when it reaches it's goal/wish, though it normally requires some sort of work to get to it. I guess I'm doing the same grinding, grueling desk job here. I'm getting through the tough to get the final code that says: yay, happy mood points, you got your wish!
They say college is learning time management...but if you ask me, life is time management.
I have to divide it all up. Maybe not to precise measurements, but I definitely have to devote some time in my day to basic needs like bathing and pissing, eating, I have to study and build skills to get promotions and past tests, I have to talk to my friends to get my social boost, and I have to chill out and play a video game or write a blog to have some fun and relieve some stress, gain comfort points. Most importantly, I have to sleep.
Oh, the things that I could accomplish if I didn't have to recharge. What if I were just born on 100% battery and died when it was all gone? I guess I should be environmentally friendly and thankful to be rechargeable.
It's just, I keep talking about wanting to "live in the now" and...have "fun" basically. But what even sounds fun? What doesn't sound like work? What sounds like fun work? Starting a band, making a movie, ranting and raving this here blog, mindlessly watching films in a comfy armchair, laughing over inside jokes with friends, looking through pictures of the "good times," Christmas shopping, harmlessly vandalizing cars, making dinner with friends, dressing up, walking downtown, learnin' how to ride a bike, massages, craftin', meeting cool people, listening to live moosak---yeah, that stuff sounds like fun. What's funny is that even in my "free time" (aka: procrastination), all I do is refresh web pages, and that's not even fun. You'd think I'd at least kill time doing the previous mention things.
But I don't have time for that, it seems. I was going to say, yep! That's what I'm doing this weekend! Maybe a little. But there's a neverending world of work I'm carrying on my shoulders.
We build strong bones so we can see how much weight we can take in this world. Building endurance. That's what the hokey pokey's all about.
I'm not being fair to anything. I don't give friends my time. I don't give family my time. I don't give myself my time. I don't give my studies my time--and it's because of other studies, you know? I can't truly learn French, because I'm too busy trying to bullshit my way through stats...but because I'm only bullshitting I'm not really learning that either. Why be a jack of all trades? It's nice to know a little something about everything, but why not be really great at a couple of things?
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On a final note, people's compliments, random words of love, and caring about your well-being...that's the stuff that lets me smile at the end of a day like this. Thank you all. I wish I were as good at it as you. It just doesn't come naturally to me. I envy you.
You know.
I'm gonna start a kick ass shitty band. I'm going to live up to all those great female rockers, be a combination, a tribute to 'em.
I'm gonna help make a kick ass shitty movie, too. But it's gonna be funny, because of inside jokes, and it's gonna be fun, because I'll make it with my friends.
And I'm gonna have a kick ass shitty life. Because at the end of the day, despite everything the world keeps adding on my shoulders, I have all of you.
Go have an epic life. We can't pause, can't fastforward, can't redo. Every move you make is marked in a book, in ink. You're on continuous save mode. Carpe diem. Have no regrets. Be able to ask yourself.
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